Life and Times of the Modem Geek

                           ANARCHY INC. PRESENTS...
                        (ALTHOUGH KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT)
                     "THE LIFE AND TIMES OF THE MODEM GEEK"


                                 A MODEM USER

Welcome to the not long-awaited, not talked-about, not seen-on-TV anarchy text
file. You must note at this time (if you haven't already, then you are
retarded) that this file is processed for 80 columns (Lord only knows how I
managed it, since I'm a lowly 40-column'er.) but enough drivel. On with the

(Taken from Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary)

com-put-er \kum-'pyut-ur\ n, -often attib- (1646) : one that computes; specif-:
a programmable electronic device that can store, retrieve, and process data --
com-put-er-like \-lik\ adj

geek \'ge\ n [prob. fr. e dial. -geek, geck- fool, fr. lg -geck-, fr. mlg] (ca.
1942): a carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usu. includes
biting the head off alive chicken or snake

From these dictionary entries, one would assume that a "computer geek" is an
electronic circus performer that does terrible things with animal heads.
However, today's society has rapidly changed the meaning of these words for
their convenience. Many of you have probably heard/been called/called someone a
"computer geek," so I will not go into details about this subject, as I have no
idea where the name came from. It will be taken for granted that we all
recognize and pretty much know what the definition of a "computer geek" is.
Also note that the term "computer geek" (it's getting a bit repetitious, so
let's just call them "geeks) has nothing to do with a computer wimp. The
computer wimp is somebody anxious to get his first computer, etc. yet doesn't
know what he's doing. A geek is one that has already gotten his first computer,
and knows everything there is to know about programming and what have you. Also
note that the not-so-often-heard term "computer bum" is something entirely
different (i.e. a computer bum is one that uses his computer for term papers,
games, and to physically let out frustration...).

The geek (as you recall, we now call our little friends simply geeks, for easy
reference and less strain on the boredom factor) always has a few nasty habits.
Here is a short, compiled list of the geek's habits:

                      What the Computer Geek Tends To Do

  1.  Races another of his kind to the computer room just as lunch hits.
  2.  Carries all printouts, disks, and programming books in his backpack.
  3.  Carries almost everything else he owns in his backpack. Geeks do not use
     their lockers at school, or their desks at work, for storage.
  4.  uses his computer until as late as he can get (i.e. until "mommie" tells
     her precious darling it's nighty-night time, or if he has to study for
     next month's calculus test).
  5.  when called a "computer geek," informs the insulter that at least he has
     a future ahead of him, while the offender will get in trouble and spend
     the rest of his life rotting in a jail cell and who cares if he's class

This is just a short list (excluding, of course, all the stereotypes of the
average geek) of what our friends do so far. Anybody offended? Well, I hope so.
It's about time you were!

                         Romance and the Computer Geek

This will be short, as geeks see girls as "cootie-spreaders" and that all they
will want is s-e-x. However, as the geek reaches the point in his life where he
needs somebody of the opposite sex, he will do with about any girl that can't
beat him up. I told you this would be short!

                                  Modem Geeks

I won't go into detail about the modem geeks, since there are quite a bit of
text-files around that cover them. Let me just go over a few of the favorite
expressions of this special division of computer geeks (note: this is no
evidence that all computer geeks are modem geeks, or vice-versa. Hardly any
computer geeks own modems, as they have trouble communicating with anybody,

                    Favorite Expressions of the Modem Geek

  1.  "Hi. My name is [geek's pseudo name, if any] and I would appreciate it if
     all of you would send me e-mail and be my friend."
  2.   "Hey pleeeeease send me some e-mail! I'm real
     lonely, but I'm real cool, too! Leave me mail and we'll be best pals!!!"
  3.   "Okay you meanies you got me real
     mad! I'll kick any of your a**es anytime!" 
  4.   "Well, I live three states away,
     so i can't beat you up. too bad, but leave me alone you meeeeanie!!!!!" much for the modem geek. Our next section has to do with the "fun" things
of the geek. Note: I am NOT referring to the good points of being a computer
geek, as there are no good pints. No,

I'm talking about the fun things that geeks do (or, in
short-vice-versa-whatever, what computer geeks like to do for fun)... here we

                 Things Computer Geeks Do To Get Their Jollies

  1.  Play "traveller" -- by the book, and no other way.
  2.  Read OMNI magazine... and nothing BUT OMNI magazine (other than 2 or 3
     dozen computer magazines)
  3.  Help their teachers clean blackboards (while in an occasional "nasty"
     mood, they may jeer at their "absolutely ignorant" computer teachers with
     PhD's in electronics, if and when they make a "costly mistake" in class).
  4.  Go to the arcade and splurge their hard-earned quarters that they manage
     to hide away from the neighborhood bully, who always steals their shoes
     and unzips their backpacks when they aren't looking.
  5.  Occasionally (but only occasionally) they just might go to the mall down
     the street (but only if that mall has the "Information Please" store,
     which has all of those "keen" spreadsheet programs for their pet

At the rate we're going, I could go on forever with all of these fun little
tidbits of slander, but I won't, for the primary reason of not hurting any of
our little friends' feelings (if they cry over their keyboards, they might get
a short-circuit in the ZX388059 chip, found just behind the CC013 primary CCU
in the motherboard)... or whatever.

the end <<>>