Lawyers

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position
as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How
much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the
same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made
for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with
the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also
announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same
questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question,
he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone
was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much
do you want it to be?"

                                   =:*:=

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the
same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his
quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a
low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room,
which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and
a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and
told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how
the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have
over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've
never had a lawyer."

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Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers? Answer: No. Reply:
Good!

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Why don't snakes bite attorneys? Professional courtesy.

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How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.

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How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road
and a coyote lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid
marks.

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you
afford?

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An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with
his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only
recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that
he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least
three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a
three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The
lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able
to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing
to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard
so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

                                   =:*:=

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that
would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his
clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before
I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I
can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the
money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an
envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the
clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith
was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do
this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of
the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The
physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as
well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith
had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new
machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used
$20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save
another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The
lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into
that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

                                   =:*:=

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be
using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use
attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now
more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become
as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No
matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

                                   =:*:=

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it
to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted
that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my
lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand
on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then
laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes,
the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a
thief on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."

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What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't
understand.

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What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A great
place to start.

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A doctor, an architect, and an attorney were dining at the country club one
day, and the conversation turned to the subject of their respective dogs,
which were apparently quite extraordinary. A wager was placed on who had the
most intelligent dog. The physician offered to show his dog first, and
called to the parking lot, "Hippocrates, come!" Hippocrates ran in, and was
told by the doctor to do his stuff. Hippocrates ran to the golf course and
dug for a while, producing a number of bones. He dragged the bones into the
country club, and assembled them into a complete, fully articulated human
skeleton. The physician patted Hippocrates on the head, and gave him a
cookie for his efforts. The architect was only marginally impressed, and
called for his dog, "Sliderule, come!" Sliderule ran in, and was told to do
his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to rubble, but
reassembled the fragments into a scale model of the Taj Mahal. The architect
patted his dog and gave him a cookie. The attorney watched the other two
dogs, and called "Bullshit, come!" Bullshit entered and was told to do his
stuff. Bullshit immediately sodomized the other two dogs, stole their
cookies, auctioned the Taj Mahal replica to the other club members for his
fee, and went outside to play golf.

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Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and
there were no survivors. Bad News: There were three empty seats.

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What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not
enough sand.

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What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.

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When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense
lawyer.

                                   =:*:=

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a
complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St.
Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his
untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die!
I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be
entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter
returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours,
my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've
billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

                                   =:*:=

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest
pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for
the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and
thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had
been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and
began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said
that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been
able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know
exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that
he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the
rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to
describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding
himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got
very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for
a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!" The rabbit was much
relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the
snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted,
"Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm
and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a
lawyer!"

                                   =:*:=

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a
brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a
price, and was told to make an offer. Presently they agreed on a price, and
the brass rat changed hands. The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took
the money, "This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I
won't take it back under any circumstances." The customer agreed and left
with the rat. As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying
out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following
him and milling bout his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up,
and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were
chasing after the man. The man ran frantically for the river, and threw the
brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat, and soon all
had drowned. The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter,
the shopkeeper shouted, "I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return
the brass rat!" The customer replied, "That's no problem. I just wondered if
you had a brass lawyer in stock."

                                   =:*:=

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city manager were traveling together by
car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke
down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at
a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that
there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in
the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief
agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the
door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief
standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the
barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a
pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A
short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief
complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that
started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he
started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The
city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock
was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the
very indignant cows and pigs.

                                   =:*:=

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone
inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read
the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury
two men there?"

                                   =:*:=

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared
before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You
can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will
adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make
embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's
soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and
parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners." The
Lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"