Installing Software - 12 Easy Steps
1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little box that 
explainswhat kind of computer system you need to run the software. It 
should look something like this:   
         628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
         719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
         3546 MB RAM
         432323 MB ROM
         05948737 MB RPM
         2 TURTLE DOVES                  
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.                  
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain 
detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the 
software. Throw it away.
3. Find the software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch 
floppydiskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: 
LICENSING AGREEMENT - By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees 
to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that 
nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N.Charter 
and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the 
Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the 
Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the 
right to come to the users home and examine the user's hard drive, as 
well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave 
it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early 
light,... finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great 
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12, and say, "(childs 
name) please install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the 
appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press Enter Key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirling noises for a while, after which the
following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program 
will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render 
it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: YES/SURE
9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirling noises
for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in
there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so 
that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely
new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation 
program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and 
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of 
mysterious files with names like  "puree.exe", "fester.dat", and "doo.wha".
10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display 
thefollowing message:  CONGRATULATIONS - The installation program cannot 
think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You 
may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, 
electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or 
intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@$#@!%*$#@!!!$##!
11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than 
the Federal Goverment, refusing to respond even when struck with 
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package
and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a 
clear, step-by-step manner, How to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.
by Dave Barry from his new book                   
"Dave Barry In Cyberspace"