If AOL were a city...

- You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all were
h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in spandex.

- You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to
leave your house, the door would be stuck.

- Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by
slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for
only $399.99

- The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to
leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.

- 48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with special
offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

- The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.

- The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.

- The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one of those
brutal toe stubs.

- If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form
letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

- The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move his
slack-ass company somewhere else.

- Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn, and this
business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

- Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and violently
scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while little kids called
your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"

- Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r from
the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax records. Please
give us your address and the key to your house or we will be forced to evict
you and your family."

- Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer

- Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and
laugh behind your back.

- even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of the
town security expert.

- You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling
you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that it's really the
Earth's fucking fault.

- The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r Wuz H3r3"
and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't investigate, but do show
up with little scrubby tools, or just remove the sign altogether.

- Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

- Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and you'd
foot the bill.

- Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police bashing
in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the shit out of you
while saying "Ya got two chances left, dickface.  ROFLMAO LOL!!"

- You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but they'd
wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying acronyms.

- You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would
move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap, and vacate before sunup.

- The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal land in
the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary funds.

- The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the
kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while ripping down the
swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently playing there.

##Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies can not
get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts are allowed in.

- The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the city, but
would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

- Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU DO WANT
A GODDA*N AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The voice then replies

- A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2 patches,
commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of PkZip 2.04g

- Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the speaker
randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several minutes later
with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

- Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical land
called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair city.

- Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a telescope
trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.