Employer Talk Employer talk 101: A glossary of job-related terms Compiled by Thom Monticue Entry-level position: You'll be making under $7 an hour. Entry-level position in an up-and-coming company: You'll be making under $7 an hour, and we'll be bankrupt in a year. An up-and-coming software company: We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft. Profit-sharing plan: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. Nationally recognized leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. Immediate opening: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. Sales position requiring a motivated self-starter: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. Self-motivated: Management won't answer questions. We offer great benefits: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. Pension/retirement benefits: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) plan and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. Seeking enthusiastic, fun and hard-working people:...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. Casual work environment: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. Competitive environment: We have a lot of turnover. Exciting and professional work environment: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on their yachts. Join our dynamic team: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. Fun work environment: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. A drug-free work environment: We booze it up at company parties. Must be deadline-oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. Some public relations required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend. Salary range $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start. "A highly visible position: You'll give boring speeches on your own time. Flexible hours: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around. Where employees feel valued: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control. College degree preferred: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. No phone calls please: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to replace three people who just left. Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do. Ability to handle a heavy workload: You whine, you're fired. Aspirations for growth within our company: We loooooove brown-nosers.