Employer Talk
Employer talk 101: A glossary of job-related terms 
Compiled by Thom Monticue
Entry-level position: You'll be making under $7 an hour.
Entry-level position in an up-and-coming company: You'll be making under 
$7 an hour, and we'll be bankrupt in a year.
An up-and-coming software company: We want you to get your hopes up, but 
there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
Profit-sharing plan: Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there 
won't be a profit.
Competitive salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our 
Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you; you'll have 
to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Nationally recognized leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, 
but we haven't done anything innovative since.
Immediate opening: The person who used to have this job gave notice a 
month ago. We're just now running the ad.
Sales position requiring a motivated self-starter: We're not going to 
supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for 
your first commission check.
Self-motivated: Management won't answer questions.
We offer great benefits: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has 
a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. 
Pension/retirement benefits: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your 
own 401(k) plan and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching 
Seeking enthusiastic, fun and hard-working people:...who still live with 
their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
Casual work environment: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress 
up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Exciting and professional work environment: Guys in gray suits will bore 
you with tales of squash and weekends on their yachts.
Join our dynamic team: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
Fun work environment: Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't 
drink with them.
A drug-free work environment: We booze it up at company parties.
Must be deadline-oriented: You'll be six months behind schedule on your 
first day.
Some public relations required: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and 
get us out of it.
Some overtime required: Some time each night and some time each weekend. 
Salary range $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.
"A highly visible position: You'll give boring speeches on your own 
Flexible hours: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Where employees feel valued: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, 
that is.
Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.
College degree preferred: Unless you wasted those four years studying 
something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
No phone calls please: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is 
just a legal formality.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: You'll need it to 
replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a must: You're walking into a company in 
perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills: You'll have the responsibilities of a 
manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure 
out what they want and do.
Ability to handle a heavy workload: You whine, you're fired.
Aspirations for growth within our company: We loooooove brown-nosers.