Absurd Warning Labels

On a cardboard windshield sun shade:  "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield
in Place."

On an infant's bathtub:  Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as
substitute for human companionship.

On a Magic 8 Ball:  Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

On a roll of Life Savers:  Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee:  Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a Pentium chip:  If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

On a refrigerator:  Refrigerate after opening.

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that
smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by
making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex
surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into
exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady
your nerves.

On a disposable razor:  Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun:  Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose:  Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano:  Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat:  Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On Kevorkian's suicide machine:  This product uses carbon monoxide, which has
been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.

On Lyndon LaRouche literature:  Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and
not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at?
Quit staring at me.

On work gloves:  For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a palm sander:  Not to be used to sand palms.

On a calendar:  Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
warranties express or implied.

On Odor Eaters:  Do not eat.

On Sen. Bob Dole:  WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.

On a blender:  Not for use as an aquarium.

On a fax machine:  WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of
your naked buttocks.  Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

On syrup of ipecac:  Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a revolving door:  Passenger compartments for individual use only.

On a microscope:  Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks:  Letters may be used to construct words, phrases
and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

On a wet suit:  Capacity, 1

And Last:  On The Washington Post:  Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.