A tribute to Bubba

     Two Bubbas, one short and one tall, get a contract to paint a 
     While trying to compute the area, so they'll know how much paint to 
     buy, the short Bubba stands on the tall
     Bubba shoulders and stretches to reach the top to compute the height. 
     His reach is short by several inches.
     So, the taller Bubba says maybe if they switch positions, because he's 
     taller maybe he can touch the top.
     They switch positions and naturally he can't touch the top, either.
     While sitting, pondering another approach to computing the area, a 
     weightlifter comes by. The two Buubas
     explain their problem.
     The weightlifter goes over, wrestles the flagpole out of its socket, 
     lays it down, measures it from bottom to
     top, gives them the figure, then manhandles the flagpole back into its 
     cement socket and walks off.
     Tall Bubba looks at the Short Bubba, then says, "If that isn't just 
     like a stupid weighlifter. You ask him the
     height and he gives you the length.
     You might be a Bubba if...
     1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war 
     2. You've ever used lard in bed.
     3. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
     4. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
     5. Fewer than half of your cars run.
     6. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and 
     seductive tongue gestures.
     7. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and 
     cousin Sue Ellen to walk by.
     8. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sport 
     9. The best way to keep things cold is to leave 'em in the shade.
     10. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
     11. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
     12. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the 
     Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
     13. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size 
     bottle of ketchup.
     14. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front 
     15. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
     16. You prominently display a gift you bought a Graceland.
     17. You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
     18. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
     19. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the 
     hell are you looking at, Shithead?".
     20. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
     You might be a Bubba if .....
     If your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade.
     If someone yells ho-down , and your girlfriend hits the floor.
     If the nutcracker was something you did off the high board in high 
     Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
     (I know-I know...I am applying to the FAA for a "flashing red-light" 
     permit for my truck...ok??)
     Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting. 
     Your coffee table used to be a cable spool. 
     Your considered an expert on worm beds. 
     Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
     Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.
     Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody 
     Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor.
     Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the 
     governor to spare a loved one.
     Your favorite actors are Gomer, Goober, and Barney.
     Your favorite hangout is the Phillips 66 near the freeway.
     My favorite place to burn slicks...
     You refer to the elementary school as 'Our community college.
     Your mom has ever won three bass tournaments in the same week.
     You consider new hub-caps to be a home improvement
     Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
     People hunt in your front yard.
     You regularly answer the question, "What have you been doing lately?" 
     with "Partying!"
     You look at family gatherings as a good opportunity to meet women. 
     The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. 
     The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
     The highlight of your family reunion was your sister's nude dancing 
     The home shopping operator recognizes your voice.
     The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and the side.
     The number one selling album at the local record store is "hooked on 
     The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a 
     The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
     The reindeer on your lawn at christmas are pulling a '57 ford. and the 
     '57 ford is on cement blocks instead of
     The roto-rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"
     The salvation army declines your mattress.
     The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
     The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
     There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your 
     There are more than five Mcdonald's bags currently in the floorboard 
     of your car.
     There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
     There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
     Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.
     You can't afford to pay your house bills, your insurance ills, your 
     automobile loan or your child support but
     you can season tickets to all the NASCAR events. 
     You think being in style is owning the latest T.V. offer by Slim 
     Whitman album 
     You actually thought Hogan's Heroes was an accurate portrayal of 
     World War II.
     You are dead against blind people golfing but you support them in 
     their efforts to obtain driver's licences.
     You are having marital problems because your wife never lets you win 
     at arm wrestling.
     You are still upset about "Gunsmoke" being cancelled.
     You are the 437th person to request moonme on your vanity licence 
     You burn your yard rather than mow it.
     You call your boss "dude".
     You can eat a Mcdonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
     You can spit without opening your mouth.
     You clean your fingernails with a stick.
     You come back from the dump with more than you took.
     You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."
     You converted your carport into a beauty shop.
     You cut your toenails in front of company.
     You drive down the highway with dogs in the back of your pickup.
     You drove to elementary school.
     You eat 'chitlins', 'grits', or frank-and-beans frequently.
     You don't get a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.
     You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
     You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it 
     look nice.
     You hang pickled eggs and pop-tops from your christmas tree.
     You have a velvet painting of Elvis.
     You have any relatives named "Elmer" or "Jed."
     You have been knocked out twice by your own electric fence.
     You ever "hit on" somebody in a V.D. clinic.
     You ever bar-b-qued hamburgers at the driver-in theater.
     You ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
     You ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine.
     You ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.
     You ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his 
     You ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
     You ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
     You ever cleaned fish in your living room.
     You ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
     You ever done your christmas shopping at a truck stop.
     You ever driven down the road with your seat belt hanging out of the 
     door making sparks.
     You ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
     You ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
     You ever given rat traps as gifts.
     You ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
     You ever heckled during a eulogy.
     You ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"
     You ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
     You ever lost your wife in a poker game.
     You ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
     You ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
     Your favorite christmas present, was a painting of Elvis on black 
     You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
     You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food 
     You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
     The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are 
     "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they
     respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
     You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
     Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening 
     on the lube rack.
     You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
     You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all 
     You've been too drunk to fish.
     You've had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
     You ever used a weedeater indoors.
     You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
     You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
     You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
     Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help remove 
     the wheels and install the skirt.
     You ever financed a tattoo.
     Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
     You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
     You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
     Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
     Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. 
     Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
     The directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road".
     Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
     Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those 
     Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
     You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
     You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
     Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People".
     You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the 
     Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
     You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
     You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
     You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: " for a good 
     time call ", because you feel guilty
     about putting it there.
     Redman sends you a Christmas card.
     You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
     Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
     Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
     You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia 
     on My Mind".
     You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it 
     in prison.
     You have been fired from a construction job because of your 
     You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the 
     House of Tattoos.
     You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
     After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
     The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 
     4-H Fair.
     You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
     Your mother comes outa the bathroom and says "Y'all come look at this 
     before I flush it"
     Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
     You mow your lawn and find a car.
     If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting 
     on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.  

     You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and 
     you only need to buy one gift.
     You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the 
     South will rise again.
     You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
     You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
     You participate in the "Who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
     You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a week.
     You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid 
     flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
     There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your 
     You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
     You ever made change in the offering plate.
     If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
     You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left 
     arm below the shirt sleeve.
     You own at least 20 baseball hats.
     You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball 
     You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
     When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
     Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one 
     what hangs 'round over yonder, behind Bubba's barn."
     Bubba the Sheriff
     Bubba quit his job. He was fed up plucking chickens. He always wanted 
     to be a police officer, so he went
     to see Sheriff Bob for a job.
     The Sheriff says: "Bubba, you will be required to take a test to see 
     if you qualify."
     "OK" says Bubba.
     Sheriff: "How many days in the week begin with a"T"?
     Bubba: "Two. Today and tomrrow."
     Sheriff: "How many seconds in a year?"
     Bubba: "Twelve. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,..."
     Sheriff: "Who killed Lincoln?"
     Bubba: "I don't know."
     Sheriff: "Go find out."
     Bubba goes home.
     His wife, BillyJo, asks: "How did it go?
     Bubba answers: "Great! The sheriff gave me a murder to investigate."