Woman - A Chemical Analysis
 Element       : Woman 
 Symbol        : Wo
 Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 85-175. 
 Discoverer    : Adam
 Occurrence    : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly 
                 lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas.
                 Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
 Physical Properties : a) Surface usually covered with painted film. 
 b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. c) Melts if given
 special treatment. d) Bitter if used incorrectly.  Can cause
 headaches.  Handle with care! e) Found in various states; ranging 
 from virgin metal to common ore. f) Yields to pressure applied to 
 correct points.
 Chemical Properties : a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver,
 Platinum and many precious stones. b) Absorbs great quantities of
 expensive substances. c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on 
 dates. d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when 
 saturated in alcohol to a certain point. e) Repels cheap material.
 Neutral to common sense. f) Most powerful money reducing agent known 
 to Man.
 Uses : a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. b) Can
 greatly improve relaxation levels. c) Can warm and comfort under some 
 circumstances. d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
 Tests : a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural 
 state. b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
 Caution : a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use
 extreme care when handling. b) Illegal to possess more than one.