Windows 95 will have the coolest users ever!

	REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience
among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95
operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool
User Program for Windows 95."  To participate in this offer, a user pays
$10,000 at which time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension.
The user will then remain in a state of hibernation until about a week
before the Windows 95 ship date.
	"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and
acquaint themselves with the changes that will occur in society between
the onset of cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a
Microsoft spokesman.  These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending,
another momentous Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and
possible leaps in human evolution."
	Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast
area will be needed for the storage facility.  "We have chosen the state
of Utah," stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."
Spokespeople for Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this
remark, but their words were not suitable for publication.
	IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft
promotions with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not
be matching Microsoft's "Cool User" program.
	"Freeze people?  What for?  Warp has already been shipping for
months," said a source who asked not to be identified.
	Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's
plan as a "bold, innovative" move.  In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion
column "M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has
missed the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy.  Users clearly want
to be frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an
indeterminate period of time." Michael S. Brown made national headlines
three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely
replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian
Gilbert Godfried.  Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six months."
The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995,
but users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee
of $3,000.