The World According to Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered 
French toast during the Renaissance.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've 
forgotten this before.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was 
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He 
said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they 
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me 
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it 
with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are 
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so 
often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from 
a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never 
have to go upstairs.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the 
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a 
message and I'll call when I'm out."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know 
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to 
be out that long."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you 
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get 
pulled over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see 
it clearly], and says, "Here, you can go."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor.  Who in 
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire 
area was missing.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm 
the only one moving.
For a while I didn't have a car ... I had a helicopter ... no place to park 
it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [glance upward]
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's 
going to be up all night.
Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all 
over the world.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I 
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.
 "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're
behind the couch."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to 
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an 
only child . . . eventually.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that 
you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? 
That's how I feel all the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?