Stupid Slogans Waiting to be Copyrighted STUPID SLOGANS WAITING TO BE COPYRIGHTED or THIS IS AMERICA - IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST AND ONTO A BUMPER STICKER * Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it. * Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. * Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans. * If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. * Drive defensively, buy a tank. * I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. * Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. * Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- * Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. * Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island. * It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam anyway. * Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. * If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. * Reality is a figment of your imagination. * Life is just one of those things. * Don't use force; use a bigger hammer. * Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! * You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. * I can handle pain until it hurts. * It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it. * Live teddy bears are best. * Nothing is illegal until you get caught. * The ultimate reason is "because." * I'm objective; I object to everything. * You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. * Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. * Your not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. * Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. * If you cannot convince them, confuse them. * A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?? * If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. * I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. * Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him. * Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party? * Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken. * It's only a game until you lose. * If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears. * Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. * Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy. * If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? * Everything is unimportant in some way. * Life is a terminal disease. * Your lucky color has faded. * Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! * Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining. * How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing? * The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it. * No matter where you go; you're there. * Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself. * Love isn't love until you give it away. * Don't take me literally. * Nothing is ever 100% * I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. * I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. * I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. * If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! * If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored. * It's not just reality that matters. * Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns. * The unexamined life is not worth living. * You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true. * Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it. * The world is coming to an end. Please log off. * Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. * Avoid reality at all costs. * Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. * Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. * It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. * Save the whales, collect the whole set. * If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. * 90% of everything is crud. * LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. * Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends. * Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. * Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. * Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. * If all else fails, throw up. * Do we know that life has a cause? * No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others. * Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind. * Fun is just point of view. * If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. * My rules apply only to other people, not myself. * In God we trust; all others must pay cash. * It's only hopeless if you walk away. * Keep that sense of humor; it's critical. * Imagination is the foundation of reality. * Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging. * The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away. * Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch. * Everything is possible; just not too probable. * Since when is talking a sign of thinking? * Looking to God for answers is premature. * I like quality, not quantity. * Why should I grow up? This is more fun! * I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out. * Reality is all a point of view. * Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it. * Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex. * Hugs don't feel as good on the computer. * Speak softly, but carry an M16. * Change a life; make someone feel important. * Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. * It's all a pigment of your hallucination. * Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type. * Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son-of-a-bitch in the valley. * Consider yourself hugged. * Just take a cold shower and sleep it off. * In theory, everything works. * Life is recursive. * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. * Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. * Repetition is always better the second time. * Clever is getting out alive. * Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid. * Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. * Death is the consequence of being alive. * Life's a beach, and then you drown. * Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. * Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying) * Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. * Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. * People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. * Have a nice day . . . somewhere else. * Was today really necessary? * Life without bears would be unbearable. * Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself. * I've no time to prepare a profound message. * Life is too important to be taken seriously. * Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! * You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . . I like that in a person. * Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. * Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. * It's been Monday all week. * When all else fails, lower your standards. * I'm surrounded by idiots! * Do unto others before they do unto you. * Why be normal? * I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. * Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent. * If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously. * I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick. * I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do. * Never trust a nun with a gun. * It's an IBM; it's got an excuse. * Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own. * No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep shit. * Never go into a hug off balance. * Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated. * Cute and interesting are two different things. * If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give? * Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful. * It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be. * Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks. * If life's a trip, then where's my ticket? * IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on. * I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble. * If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively. * A kibble is one thousand nibbles. * Having a good time can be deadly. * Reality is only fantasy gone stale. * Be good; if you can't be good, forget it! * If you can't go first class, charge it. * Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. * Be fruit fly and multiple. * Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. * Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems? * I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. * Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. * I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying. * If you can't be weird, why be? * It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. * Gravity always gets me down. * I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. * I'm serious; it was a joke. * Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit. * If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it. * If I can't fix it, it ain't broken. * I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. * Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it. * I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty. * This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. * For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process. * I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep. * I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. * Being good at being stupid doesn't count. * Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them. * You can't be late until you show up. * It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature. * I just love nonverbal communication! * If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it. * You've gotta' die in creative ways. * They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck. * Get out of my reality! * If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. * It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal? * Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. * It's not when you get up, but when you get down. * I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. * I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. * Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. * To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy. * Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy. * Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? * When in doubt, use brute force. * Excellent time to become a missing person. * A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. * Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. * All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. * My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. * Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you. * Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. * Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere. * They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. * When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. * Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. * Look out! Behind you! * Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. * If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. * Laughter is the closest distance between two people. * Kiss your keyboard goodbye! * If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. * Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. * Your lucky number has been disconnected. * Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. * A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. * Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. * Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. * Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. * I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. * The shortest distance between two points is under construction. * There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. * Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. * Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. * You know it's a bad day when... ... the sun comes up in the west. ... you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. ... you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ... your income tax refund check bounces. ... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. * Nothing is as easy as it looks. * Everything takes longer than you think. * It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. * Mother Nature is a bitch. * Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. * When things just can't get any worse, they will. * Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. * No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. * Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. * Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. * In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. * Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. * Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. * Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse. * Any given program, when running, it is obsolete. * Any given program costs more and takes longer. * If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. * If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. * Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. * No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. * What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. * When it rains, it pours. * The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse. * Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. * Things will get worse before they get better. * Who said things would get better? * Things get worse under pressure. * Nothing ever goes away. * You always find something in the last place you look. * You can't fall off the floor. * Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough. * If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. * Push something hard enough and it will fall. * The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. * Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. * A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. * Too much of a good thing is wonderful. * It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. * You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. * Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones. * If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire. * Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route. * Whoever has the gold makes the rules. * Nice guys don't finish nice. * It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. * It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. * Never eat more than you can lift. * Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell. * It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up. * I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them. * If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in. * Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. * I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. * I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. * The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. * Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood. * The 100% American is 99% an idiot. * If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. * There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes. * You're being followed, cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. * You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. * The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others. * A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of) * Laugh at your problems, everyone else does. * If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. * Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. * I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life. * A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. * The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails. * He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got. * Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners. * He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice. * The pants were very sad, they were depressed. * Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes. * If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then. * When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.` * The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines. * Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates. * New with a K in front is a Canoe. * He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O. * Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles. * Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted? * It's bad luck to be superstitious. * Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. * Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have. * Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. * When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday. * I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. * I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. * If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call. * Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified. * According to my best recollection, I don't remember. * Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. * Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. * CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. * Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. * Schizophrenia beats being alone. * Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. * Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. * Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer. * I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. * The more things change, the more they stay insane. * They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid. * If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. * Do what comes naturally now. Seeth and fume and throw a tantrum. * Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. * Honk if you like peace and quiet. * Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. * Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! * Paul Revere was a tattle-tail. * Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life. * Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. * Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.