Redneck Etiquette PERSONAL HYGIENE *Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. *While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's "own" truck keys. *Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. *Its recommended that women occasionally shave their legs and under- arms. No amount of effort, not even braiding, can make hair in these body regions attractive. *Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. *Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. FASHION *Pearls with a tube top? Yes, they are an excellent example of understated elegance but "never" before April. *No matter how durable, Army boots are not proper footwear for mothers. And hip waders are not considered dress pants. *As to proper clothing for men, this subject can be summarized in a single phrase: No collar, no tie. DINING OUT *When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. *While okay at home, it's considered crass to ask, "Are you gonna eat the rest of that meatloaf?" Especially if you don't know the person. *Many establishments frown on the use of a "doggie bag" at an all-you-can- eat salad bar. Avoid these pretentious places. OUT FOR THE EVENING *Sometimes you might find yourself in social settings where you don't know anyone. Here are a few lines that have been proven effective in breaking the ice: *My old lady wants to get to know you. *I bought some pearls just like those at a yard sale last weekend. *Is that a new tattoo? *When's your parole up? ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. *Establish early in the evening what is okay to spit in and what's not okay to spit in. *A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. *If guests overstay their welcome, a friendly hint may be in order, such as, "Ya'll are either gonna have to leave or chip in on the rent." DATING (Outside the Family) *Shower her with compliments: "You ain't near as ugly as your sister. And that scar barely shows when you get up close." *Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time. *If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. THEATER ETIQUETTE *Do not ask the concession stand attendant for the nacho cheese recipe. *Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS *Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut. *A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. *For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. *For the reception, reserve the VFW far in advance, and avoid Saturdays since that's square dancing night. *When going through the receiving line, it's proper to say something nice to the bride such as, "Your baby is real cute." *Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. *When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. DRIVING ETIQUETTE *Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. *When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. *When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. *Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. *Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. *When traveling with your family, try to keep their "mooning" of other drivers to a minimum. *Remember that the median is not a passing lane. *Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS *It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. *If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. *Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. *Teach your children proper telephone etiquette. Nothing is more embarrassing than hearing Junior say, "We ain't seen Daddy in eight days, and Mama's too drunk to come to the phone." *At a baby shower, never ask, "Do you have any idea who the father is?" *Never take a beer to a job interview. *If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. *Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. *At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, "He looks so natural--like he just got drunk and passed out." *No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. *Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.