Microsoft CRAP

	REDMOND, Wa -- November 8th, 1995 -- Microsoft announed today a
new software package called currently Computer Response Automation Program,
or C.R.A.P.  This is a system for Win95 in which is automaticly chooses
what you do and do not want to do.  After watching you use your computer
for one day it automaticly "learns" how to do what you do.  This includes
pressing certain buttons in dialog boxes, opening usual programs and
entering in data. 

	Currently in its beta version, the users it is targetting for
(Computer Idiots (All registered users of BOB)) have all had a similar
reaction of liking the computer to make all of its decisions for them.
"Its great to sit down and find out what my computer ordered me off of
America On-Line!".  Currently the only bug found in the system is that it
will periodically sign you onto the Microsoft Network, and order random
Microsoft products using your credit card.  Microsoft commented by saying
"We plan on making it a full feature by release time, which will be by
1996."  Apple was asked for a comment on this new product and simply said
"Hahahahaha".  IBM refused to comment on the situation, fearing the press
may bring up the OS/2 shenanigan.  Most users of BOB and all users of
Win95 will be eligable for this program, which will be supplied free of
charge by Microsoft.  It is bundled with a new version of Quicken, the
popular money managment software, which is modified to work with C.R.A.P.
The Justice Department will be investigating Microsoft on claims that the
new Quicken allows Microsoft access to your bank accounts, Bill Gates
commented on this with "Most users of [Win95] couldn't balance their
checkbook if they tried, we are simply easing their life by controling
their finances.  Is that a crime?"

Microsoft stock jumped 253 points the same day that their beta versions
of C.R.A.P. were installed on all NYSE computer terminals.  Microsoft
C.R.A.P. updates will soon be released free to all users on the Web or
via free CDROM which installs itself.  "It's like not having a computer,
but having one.  Truley amazing revolution in technology," A CNN analyst
bought by Microsoft said, "It will revolutionize all of the revolutions
in the revolutionary Win95 revolution in technology." Microsoft announced
that C.R.A.P. will not be availible for the Macintosh system or WinNT
because they are "too smart, we might get caught" said a contact inside
Microsoft for the AP.