Microsoft Buys 1995

News Flash: Windows 95 WILL be on TIME.

In a surprise move, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates announced 
yesterday that he has purchased the entire calendar year of 1995. 
1995 will be replaced instead by "Year-M" to be followed by actual 

"Windows 95 was not going to ship on schedule," Gates said.  "But 
we couldn't change the name again... people were starting to get 
confused.  So instead of spending a lot of time and money on a new 
marketing campaign we decided just to buy 1995.  That way we get an 
extra year to debug Windows and get it shipped for what will be the 
new 1995."

Microsoft arranged this coup by leveraging its financial assets to 
bail out the Federal Government and pay off the national debt.  The 
IRS is being disbanded for next year, but taxes will be collected as
usual with one change: all checks must be made payable to "Bill Gates."

A side benefit of this purchase is that Gates now owns the judicial 
branch for the duration of "Year-M."  Speculators stated that Gates 
would likely use this opportunity to dismiss the numerous lawsuits 
pending against Microsoft. Gates apparently feels this would be 
cheaper than actually hiring lawyers to represent his rickety cases.

In a related story, God has filed suit against Gates because of 
his purchase, claiming time to be the sole property of God.  In a 
countersuit, Gates claims God is a monopoly and demands that he be 
broken up into "deity conglomerates."

"Gosh," said Gates.  "They broke up AT&T... why can't we break up God?"

Inside sources at Microsoft said that Gates was looking for an early 
resolution to the suit by hiring God as a programmer.  Evidently, 
God has the exact profile that Gates is looking for in a programmer:
he doesn't mind rainy climates, doesn't need any money, isn't married, 
and can work for at least 6 days without sleeping.

"If we could just get some employees like that," Gates lamented, "we 
would be able to ship Windows 95 on time."