10 Rules of Voice Mail

  1.  You can always reach the wrong person - that is, the person you didn't
     want to talk to.
  2.  (Corollary to rule number 1) You can never reach to right person - the
     one you really need to talk to.
  3.  Everyone can say "Leave a detailed message", but no one has figured out
     how to do it yet.
  4.  All command of the English language ceases when someone tries to leave a
     voice-mail message.
  5.  Anyone who thinks voice mail eliminates 'telephone tag' also believes
     Dick Tracy is a real person (obviously, this rule was created before the
     advent of Milli Vanilli).
  6.  Beware of voice mail vendors bearing solutions. Make sure your know what
     the "problems" are first.
  7.  The term 'integrate', as in "This voice mail system will totally
     integrate with your present PBX", is synonymous with the terms
     "virtually", "kind of", and "you know what I mean".
  8.  MTBF (mean-time-between-failure) is a ludicrous term when applied to
     voice mail systems. ANY time is a MEAN TIME for a voice mail system to
  9.  The three lies of voice mail are:
        o  "I'm away from my office right now";
        o  "Please leave a message and I'll return your call shortly";
        o  "If you want to talk to someone who is taking calls for me, please
 10.  Humans have approximately fifty-billion brains cells. Voice mail systems
     have none. In spite of this, voice mail systems usually win out in
     head-to-head competition.