MS Windows and the Borg


    Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding 
a weakness in the Borg? And
    Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways? 
    Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our 
archives on late
    Twentieth-century computing technology. Geordi presses a key, and a logo 
appears on the computer
    screen. 
    Riker looks puzzled.: What the hell is `Microsoft'? 
    Data turns to answer.: Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for 
some reason called `Windows',
    through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it 
will begin consuming
    system resources at an unstoppable rate. 
    Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their 
processing systems to increase their
    storage capacity? 
    Data: Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new 
version of itself known as an
    `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration.
The Borg will not be able to
    adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be 
taken over and none will be
    available for their normal operational functions. 
    Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric 
shape' idea. 
    . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . 
    Data: Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's 
command unit. As expected, it
    immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not 
received any confirmation of
    the expected `upgrade'. 
    Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU 
capacity, but we still have no
    indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase. 
    Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is 
something we have missed. 
    Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. 
Apparently the Borg have circumvented
    that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. 
    Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency 
escape sequence 3F 
    Geordi, excited: Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 
0%! 
    Picard: Data, what do your scanners show? 
    Data, studying display: Apparently the Borg have found the internal 
`Windows' module named `Solitaire',
    and it has used up all available CPU capacity. 
    Picard: Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their 
functionality. 
    . . . Two Hours Pass . . . 
    Riker: Geordi, what is the status of the Borg? 
    Geordi: As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate 
for increased CPU and
    storage demands, but each time they successfully increased resources I have 
setup our closest deep
    space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something 
called the `Microsoft
    Fun-pack'. 
    Picard: How much time will that buy us? 
    Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time 
span of 6 more hours. 
    Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector. 
    Picard: Identify. 
    Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo... 
    Over the speakers: THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE
    POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL
ASSETS AND WE CAN
    AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY. 
    Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released 
thousands of humanoid-shaped
    objects. 
    Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft! 
    Riker: My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the 
Borg ship - with no life support
    suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?! 
    Data: I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I 
believe you will see that they are
    carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather
briefcases, and wearing
    Armani suits. 
    Riker and Picard horrified: Lawyers!! 
    Geordi: It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into 
the sun in 2017 during the Great
    Awakening. 
    Data: True, but apparently some must have survived. 
    Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types
of papers. 
    Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as `red tape'. It often 
proves fatal. 
    Riker: They're tearing the Borg to pieces! 
    Picard: Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg 
don't deserve such a gruesome
    death!