Collection Of Various Sex Jokes
=================================

A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends in San Francisco.
She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.  "Things are
rather strange here. I see men who hold hands, kiss and hug each other.
They're called 'gays' or homosexuals.  Even more surprising, there are women
here who do the same things and they are referred to as 'lesbians'.  You
probably won't believe this, but some men here put their heads down on a
woman's private parts and do things with their tongues."  "Good Lord," her mom
said, "what do they call them?"  "Well, after I caught my breath I called one
of them PRECIOUS!" 
==

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a
sudden the telephone rings and she answers.  After hanging up she says, "That
was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for awhile.  He said he's out
playing cards with you." 
==

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in the garden when they start having an
argument about who is better: boys or girls.  After a while, Johnny stands up
and pulls down his shorts saying "Boys are better than girls 'cuz you haven't
got one of these!!"

Jane looks at him in astonishment as she knows that she hasn't got one of those
between her legs.  She bursts out crying and rushes inside to her mother.  A
little while later she comes back out with a big smile on her face. 

"My mum says girls are better than boys," she says. 

"No, they're not," says Johnny pulling down his shorts again, "You haven't got
one of these!" 

Jane looks at him, raises her skirt, and pulls down her panties.  "My mum says
that as long as I've got one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!!" 

==

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever
get to feeling horny?" 

"Yes," her friend replied.

"What do you do about it?" 

"I usually suck on a Lifesaver." 

After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go
to?" 

==

The cops raided the local brothel and had all of the girls standing in line
waiting to enter the paddy wagon.  A little old lady walked up and asked one
of the girls what the line was for.  The girl sarcastically stated that they
were handing out lollipops.  The little old lady, having missed the sarcasm,
liked the idea of getting free lollipops, so she got in line, too.  When she
got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little
old to be doing this?"  She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll
keep sucking them." 

==

A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and they make love.
The girl wants it again, and the guy obliges her.  She wants more, and they do
it again.  She still wants more, so the guy says, "Excuse me a minute.  I have
to go relieve myself." 

While out of the car, he notices a guy a half block away changing a flat.  He
asks the guy, "Look, I've got this gal in my car, and I've given it to her
four or five times already, and she still wants more.  I'll change your flat
if you'll take over for me." 

The guy does and is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the
window and shines a light on them.  The cop asks "What're you two doing in
there?" 

The guy says "I'm making love to my wife." 

The cop asks "Why don't you do that at home?" 

The guy answers "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you
shined the light on her." 

==

Did you hear of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight
woman on the street?  Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did
her hair. 

== 

Three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when
they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types of soft drinks. 

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as
strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" 

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches
and it is always up!" 

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." 

The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels?  That's not a soft drink, that's
a hard liquor." 

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!" 

==

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  As he
passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.  He watches for a
moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she
gets mad at me for sucking my *thumb*" 

==

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex.  He asks his 
mother, "why are you bouncing on daddy?"  

"Well," his mother says, "daddy is so fat that mommy has to 
push out all the air so he won't get sick."

"I don't see why you go through all that trouble," says the boy, 
"the lady next door is just going to come over tomorrow and blow 
him up again."

==

A man, his wife and son went to a nudist camp.  The little boy went
out to play.  When he came in he said "Mommy, all the women have 
different size boobs."

The mother said, "Yes son, and the bigger they are the dumber they
are."

The little boy went out and came in again.  This time he said, "Mommy, 
all the men have different size wee-wees."

The mother replied, "Yes son, and the bigger they are the dumber they
are."

The little boy went out and came in again.  This time he said, "Mommy, 
daddy's talking to a really, really dumb girl and he's getting dumber 
and dumber.

==

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest
daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from? 
Mom:   Well dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.  One night,
       they go into their room... they kiss and hug and have sex.  (The
       daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the
        mommy's vagina.  That's how you get a baby, honey. 
Child: Oh, I see, but the other night, when I came into you and daddy's room,
       you had daddy's penis in your mouth.  What do you get when you do that? 
Mom:   Jewelry, dear. 

==

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard.  When it rains,
however, the laundry always get wet.  All the laundry, that is, except for
Sophie's.  The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on
the days that it rains. 

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line
when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your
laundry is never out?" 

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If
his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day,
and I can hang out the wash.  If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I
know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." 

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women. 

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." 

==

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym.  As they are changing
clothes in the locker room, Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts.  He is
wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. 

"My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" 

"Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." 

==

Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork.  Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. 

"Don't worry, son.  Your mother will come back.  She's only bringing people
babies and making them happy." 

The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job.  Baby is crying again, so
mother stork tries to calm him.  "Son, your father will be back as soon as
possible.  Right now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." 

A few days later.  The stork parents are desperate: their son has been gone
from the nest all night!  Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask
their son where he had been all night. 

Says the baby stork: "I wanted to see what it was like to deliver babies to
people."

"Because you wanted to bring joy to new parents and make them happy?" asks
Mother Stork.

"No, " says the baby stork, "I just wanted to scare the hell out of college
kids!" 

==

An elderly couple was sitting in their rocking chairs on the
back porch when the old lady reached over and knocked the
old man out of his chair.  The old man got up, sat back down
in his chair and said "What was that for?".  The old lady
said "That was for 50 years of bad sex."  A couple minutes
later the old man reached over and knocked the old lady
out of her chair.  She got up and said "What was that for?"
The old man said "That's for knowing the difference."

==

An eighty-five year old man walking down the road spots an object ahead and
stops to investigate.  On close scrutiny, it is a frog who exclaims, "If you
kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and do whatever your bidding." 

The elderly gentleman swoops the frog up and puts it into his pocket.  The frog 
incredulously shouts, "I can't believe it, I told you that if you kiss me I'll 
become a beautiful princess and do whatever your bidding, AND YOU PUT ME IN YOUR 
POCKET?!" 

To which the gentleman replies, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog!"

==
 
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the
sociologists at the state university.  They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge
chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a
family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices;
set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their
questionnaires and such.  While the staff was busy getting ready for their big
research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for
a cup of coffee.

He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it,
he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had
any idea why the birth rate was so high.  

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through
here and blows for the crossing.  It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too
late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up." 

==

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. 

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline.  Do you use it at
all in your household?" 

"Oh yes, all the time.  It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." 

"Do you use it for anything else?" 

"Like what?" 

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." 

"Oh, of course.  Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out." 

==

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.  "You aren't so
great in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.  By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.  After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone. 

"What took you so long to answer?" 

"I was in bed." 

"What were you doing in bed this late?" 

"Getting a second opinion." 

==

APARTMENT FOR RENT:

A prosperous business man propositioned a beautiful girl to spend the night 
with him.  She agreed to do so for $500.  When he was ready to leave in the
morning, he told her that he didn't have any money with him but that he
would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as "rent
for an apartment."  On the way to the office, he decided that the whole
thing wasn't worth the price he had agreed to pay.  So he advised his
secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear madam: 

Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment.  I am not sending the amount I agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression:

1.  That it had never been occupied.
2.  That there was plenty of heat.
3.  That it was small.

Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn't any heat and
it was entirely too large.  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Upon the receipt of the note,  the girl immediately returned the check with
the following note:
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Dear sir: 

I am returning your check for $250.  I can not understand how
you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied.  As
for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you knew how to turn it on.  As
for the size, it isn't my fault if you didn't have sufficient furniture
to fill it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
[Sometimes a good comeback is compensation enough...]

==

Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become 
a hooker.  She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front
of that bar and pick up a guy.  Tell him a hundred bucks.  If you've got 
a question, I'll be parked around the corner."  She's not there five 
minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"  She says, "A  
hundred dollars."  He says "Shit.  All I've got is thirty."   She says, 
"Hold on."  She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for 
thirty dollars?"  Harry says, "A handjob".  She runs back and tells 
the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.  He says okay, she 
gets in the car,  he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge penis.  She 
stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."  She 
runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy
seventy bucks?"

==

Two drunks are lying in an alley with their heads laying up against a
wall.  The first drunk says, "Have you ever been so drunk, that when
you tried to kiss a woman on the lips, you went down too low and kissed
her on the belly button instead?"  The second drunk took a swig out of
his whiskey bottle and said, "Even drunker than that."

==

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of 
the second story window and lands squarely on his head.  Rather disgusted 
and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on 
it.  An elderly man opens it and asks him why he is knocking so loudly. 

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" 

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.  
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs." 

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you 
to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

==

One winter day, Fred's neighbor Sam, came up to Fred's door and started 
pounding on it with a great deal of anger.  Fred came to the door to see a 
red faced Sam screaming obscenities. 
 
SAM : That @#$%^&* son of yours has been pi**ing in my snow bank!!!!
FRED: How do you know it was my son?
SAM : That @#$%^&* son of yours wrote his name in the snow!!!!
FRED: Well... I'll speak to him about it, but I gotta tell you, I'm 
      not sure what you're so fired up about, is it really that bad?
SAM : (screaming) What I'm most angry about is that it's my daughter's 
      handwriting!! 

==

Two hunters were forced by a storm to seek overnight shelter in a house 
occupied by an old widow.  When they met again the following hunting season,
one asked the other, "Tell me, Bob, did you have sex with that old bag we 
stayed with last year?"

"Yes," admitted Bob, "I'm afraid I did."

"And you used MY name... told her you were ME?"

"Yeah, I did that, too," chuckled Bob. "Sorry, ol' buddy.  I didn't knock 
her up, did I?" 

"No, no," smiled Bob's friend. "It's just that she died yesterday and
left me the house and a couple of hundred thousand dollars."

==

A woman calls her veterinarian and tells him that her male German 
shepherd is making sexual advances towards her.  He responds by
suggesting that she can bring him in to have him neutered.

"No," she replies, "All I want you to do is clip his toe nails and 
sweeten his breath."

==

A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini.  The dog 
requests a double martini.

The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist.  Big deal.  We don't 
serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room, and the dog again requests his drink. 
The bartender is amazed.  "Good God, you can talk.  Will you do a favor for me?"

The dog replies, "What's in it for me?"

The bartender goes to the cash register and takes out a $20 bill.  "Here's $20.  
Go across the street to Riley's bar and tell the guys in there that they are a 
bunch of wimps and that our softball team will whip their a**es when we play 
them this weekend."

The dog goes out.  His owner returns and asks "Where's Rex?" 

The bartender says "He went across the street to do me a favor."  The
owner is visibly upset and says "I don't let Rex out alone!"

The dog's owner leaves immediately to retrieve Rex, but Rex is not across the 
street.  He is in the gutter in front of the bar going at it fast and hard with 
an Irish Setter.  The owner is amazed.  "Rex, what's come over you?  You've
never done anything like this before."  Rex responds, "I've never had money
before."

==

While working out at the health club, Wade could not help noticing another
man looking so depressed.  This surprised Wade who had been thinking that 
this guy was the luckiest man at the club.  "Why are you so down?", Wade asked.
"I saw you yesterday leaving with that gorgeous aerobics instructor on you arm."

"Well, we went to her place and had a few drinks," the guy explained. 
"Then she said, 'Marvin, take off my blouse', and a moment later, 'Marvin, take 
off my leotard.'  Before long, she said, 'Marvin, take off my bra.' Then,
finally, she said, 'Oh, Marvin, take off my panties'."

"Hey, man, you had it made!" Wade moaned enviously, "Was it great?"

"I suppose it must have been.  I really couldn't see past that guy Marvin."

==

A man and a woman decide to travel to a deserted mountain road to make 
love.  They park the car on a sloping shoulder off the road, take off 
all of their clothes, hop into the back seat, and start to rock the car.
 
Well, the car is an older model, and they forget to set the emergency 
brake properly, and so the car starts rolling.  It rolls off the slope, 
over a small overhang, and crashes.  The woman is thrown clear, but the 
man is pinned inside the car.

Man: "You're going to have to go get some help, I'm stuck."
Woman: "Go get some help? I'm completely naked, you idiot."

The man grumbles, gropes around the car as best he can, and pulls out 
one of his shoes.  "Here," he says, "Put this where it will do you the 
most good, and go get some help, fer Chrissakes."

So the woman wedges the shoe between her legs, and starts waddling down 
the road.

Soon, she reaches a little cabin.  She knocks on the door, and an old 
grizzled gentleman answers.

"You've got to help my boyfriend," blurts the nearly-naked woman, "he's 
stuck."

The old gentleman eyes the woman up and down and replies, "Honey, if 
he's in that far, I can't help him."

==

A cross-dresser was hitchhiking through the deep South and managed to get
a ride from a mean-looking trucker.  After riding about 30 miles in silence,
the cross-dresser finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask ya what?" replied the trucker.
"If I'm a man or a woman," answered the cross-dresser.
"Don't matter," replied the trucker. "Gonna rape ya anyway."

==

Two sperm were madly wiggling their way along when one sperm says to the
other sperm, "I'm exhausted!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Are we near the uterus yet?"

"What, are you kidding me?  We have a long way to go. We're not even through 
the esophagus!"

==

TOP EIGHT DUMB THINGS TO DO WITH A PENIS:
      
8) See if the light socket is working.
7) Use it to discipline your pitbull.
6) Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working.
5) Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster.
4) Get a blow job from a cannibal.
3) Substitute it for a golf tee.
2) Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed.
1) Screw the 15 year old daughter of a redneck Texan gun salesman!

==

A man goes to the theater with his pet duck concealed in his pants.  After a 
while he unzips his fly to let the bird breathe.  The little old lady 
sitting in the next seat nudges her friend and says, "That man over there 
has his zipper down."  

"So what, when you've seen one you've seen them all."  

"Yes, but this one is eating my popcorn."

==

     One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down 
     from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. 
     "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the 
     Yukon!" he said to the bartender.  "We got her!" replied the barkeep. 
     "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."
     
     The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and 
     two beers.  He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open 
      the second door on the right and yelled,  "I'm lookin' for the 
     meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"  The woman inside 
     the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she 
     stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
     
     "How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner. 
     
     "I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open  
     those beers first."

==

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.  A small tree begins to grow
between them.  One tree says to the other:  "Is that a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell.  Just then a woodpecker lands in the
sappling.  The tall tree says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.  Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.  He replies:  "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  That, my friends, is
the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

==

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily
through the ocean.

On seeing a boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's
swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our
blowholes!"

The female says, "Uh... I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out,
capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't
it?"

Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the
sailors!"

The female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but
I'm not swallowing any seamen."

==

A teacher had given his class an assignment.
He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, 
and that no excuses will be accepted except illness 
(with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate 
family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual 
exhaustion, sir?" 

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the 
teacher responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other 
hand."

==

A guy decides he's going to play a little joke on his wife one 
day.  As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and 
says, "If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldn't have to keep using 
your bra."  He laughs and laughs.
  
The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and 
grabs her ass and says "If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldn't have to 
keep using your girdle."  Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots 
her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his
penis and says, "If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldn't need to keep 
sleeping with your brother."

==

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is
reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today.  At lunch,
Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.

Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything 
she needs.  Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife 
has never bought any lingerie in her life.  He gets the idea to buy his wife 
something sexy to make her feel good and young.

Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most 
expensive, sheerest negligee she has.  Marvin takes the gift and excitedly 
runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and 
unwrap it.  He'll wait in the kitchen.  His wife thanks him and goes up to 
the bedroom.

Once the package is opened, she realizes that this is something she's
never had before.  She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing
to the imagination.  She thinks for a moment and then decides that
she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes
on at all.  So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the
stairs stark naked.  She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway 
and look."

Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims,
"All that money and they didn't even iron it."

==

A man with a 50 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is 
unable to get any women to have sex with him.  They all tell him that his 
penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there any way you can shorten 
it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do 
know this witch who may be able to help you."  

So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.  The man calls upon the 
witch and relays his story.

"Witch, my penis is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex 
with me.  Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could look at it.  The man uncoils 
his 50 inch penis.  The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and 
then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem.  What you have to 
do is go to this pond deep in the forest.  In the pond you will see a frog 
sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma.

First you must ask the frog, will you marry me?  Each time the frog declines 
your proposal, your penis will be ten inches shorter."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.  He came upon the 
pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log.  He called out to the 
frog, "Will you marry me?"  

The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."  The man looked down 
and suddenly his penis was 10 inches shorter.

"WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!!  But it's still too long at 
40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."

"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.  The frog rolled its eyes back 
in its head and screamed back, "NO!"  

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 
10 inches shorter.  The man laughed, "This is fantastic."

He looked down at his penis again, 30 inches long, and reflected for a 
moment.  Thirty inches is still a monster, just a little less would be 
ideal.  So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will
you marry me?"

The frog looked back across pond shaking its head "NO..........
NO.......... and for the last time........... NO."

==

A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to end her 
life by throwing herself into the ocean.

When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her
tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.
I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on
my ship.  I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes'.  After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. 

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of 
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the 
captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.  "He's 
taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain.  "This is the Staten Island Ferry." 

==

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course.  The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch
out for the houses.  Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much
this is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle
lying on its side in the foyer.  A man on the couch said, "Are you the
 people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah.  Sorry about that," the husband replied. 

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a 
thousand years in that bottle.  You've released me.  I'm allowed to
grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last 
one for myself."

"OK, great," the husband said,  "I want a million dollars a year for rest
of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do.  And you, what do you want?" the
genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years.  My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money
and all those houses, honey.  I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.  
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 
"How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied. 

"And he still believes in genies?  That's amazing."

==

A guy is sent to a native island as a missionary for a year. 
He doesn't speak the language but the island's Chief has learned 
some English.

In a year's time, he has taught the Chief to play a pretty good game of
golf.  Grateful, the Chief offers the missionary his beautiful island
girl daughter for his last night, as a parting gift.

The missionary accepts the gift.  Being without sex for almost a year, he
plunges in wholeheartedly and bones the little sweety all night long. 
The entire night as he is humping like mad she is yelling at the top of her 
lungs "UNGAWA, UNGAWA, UNGAWA!!!"

So the next morning the Chief meets him for one last game of golf.  On the
first shot the Chief tees off a 400 yard beauty drive that lands him a
perfect hole in one.  The missionary wanting to impress the Chief by
showing him that he has learned how to say "great" in his island language 
shouts "UNGAWA!"

What do you mean "WRONG HOLE!" the Chief asks.

==

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to arm and
build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. 

He thinks that the one thing he never did was to teach these natives how to
speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. 

He points to a tree and tells the chief, this is a tree. The chief looks at
the tree and grunts "tree". The missionary is pleased with the response. 

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says "this is
a rock" at which the chief looks and grunts "rock".  

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a
rustling in the  bushes. As he peaks over the top he sees a couple in the
midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly
responds "riding a bike".

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow
gun and shoots them both dead on the spot.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could
he kill these people. 

The chief replies, "My Bike."

==

 A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage
 in animated conversation. 

 The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her 
 attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
 
 "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come
 again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.
 Then I come once-a-more."
 
 "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. 

 "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
 
 "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. 

 "Imma just tellun my afriend howa to spella Mississippi."

==

A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday.  He spends $5000 and he 
feels really good about the result.  On his way home he stops at the news 
stand and buys a paper.  Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,  
"I hope you donít mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," the clerk says.

"I am actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.  

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and he asks the order-taker the 
same question, to which the reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47."  This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman standing next to him 
the same question.

She says, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.  But when I was 
young, there was a sure way to tell a man's age.  If I put my hand down your 
pants and play with your testicles for ten minutes, I will be able to tell 
your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell, and lets her slip 
her hand down his pants.  

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "Ok, itís done.  You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant!  How did you know that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

==

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part
of Texas when her car broke down.  An Indian on horseback came along and 
offered her a ride to a nearby town.  She climbed up behind him on the 
horse and they rode off.  The ride was uneventful except that every few 
minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from 
the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, 
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service 
station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his 
waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."

==

A doctor had just finished a marathon shagging session with 
one of his patients.  He was resting afterwards and was feeling 
a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw 
one of his patients.
   
However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other 
doctors have sex with their patients, so it's not like you're 
the first......"
   
This made the doctor feel a bit better until another voice in 
his head said, "but they probably weren't veterinarians."

==

A ninety year old man is sitting on a park bench crying.  
The police drive by and see him.  They stop to see what is wrong.

Police:      "What's wrong?"
Elderly Man: "I'm married to a twenty year old woman."  (continues to cry) 
Police:      "Sir, that's nothing to cry about, you should be happy." 
Elderly man:  "You don't understand... (tears continue to flow)
              she wants to have sex every morning and sex every evening."  
              (Crying becomes more intense).
Police:       "That's every man's dream.  So why are you crying?" 
Elderly man:  (Crying becomes uncontrollable)  "I can't find my way home!!!"

==

Q. What do Spanish Fly and coffee have in common?
A. They both keep you up all night.

==

Sex is like air, it suddenly becomes very important when you're not getting
any.

==

So you think your life is bad... Just think how bad the life
of an egg is...

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes four minutes to get hard. 
It takes two minutes to get soft.
You have to share a place with eleven other guys. 
And the only chick to sit on your face was your mom.

==

Three golfers, named George, Max, and Ted are looking for a fourth.  
George mentions that his friend Bob is a pretty good golfer, so they 
decide to invite him for the following Saturday.  

"Sure, I'd love to play," says Bob, "but I may be about ten minutes 
late, so wait for me."

Saturday rolls around.  George, Max, and Ted arrive promptly at 9:00,
and find Bob already waiting for them.  He plays right-handed, and 
beats them all.  Quite pleased with their new fourth, they ask him if 
he'd like to play again the following Saturday.  

"Yeah, sounds great,"  says Bob. "But I may be about ten minutes late, 
so wait for me."

The following Saturday, again, all four golfers show up on time, but
this time Bob plays left-handed, and beats them all.  As they're 
getting ready to leave, Bob says, "See you next Saturday.  But I may be 
about ten minutes late, so wait for me."

Every week, Bob is right on time, and plays great with whichever
hand he decides to use.  And every week, he departs with the same message.

After a couple months, Ted is pretty tired of this routine, so he says, 
"Wait a minute, Bob.  Every week you say you may be about ten minutes late,
but you're right on time.  And you beat us either left-handed or right-handed.
What's the story?"  

"Well," Bob says, "I'm kind of superstitious.  When I get up in the morning, 
I look at my wife.  If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed. 
And if she's sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed."

"So what do you do if she's sleeping on her back?" George asks.

"Then I'm about ten minutes late," Bob answers.

==

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says
to Becky (imagine a Yiddish accent), "So, Becky, I was wondering... have
you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now?  You don't
want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.  Please..."

"Well, all right, 3 times..."

"3 - hmmm... when were they?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to
start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan...
remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the
house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!  I respect you even more than ever, to 
do such a thing for me... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were 
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch
you... then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the
surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well..."

"Oh my god!!  Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, oy
vay, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved...
So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the congregation... And you were a mere 47 votes short..."