You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... * You answer the door before people knock. * Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. * You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. * You speed walk in your sleep. * You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." * You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." * You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. * You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other people's fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." * You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * Cocaine is a downer. * All your kids are named "Joe". * You don't need a hammer to pound nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." * You don't sweat, you percolate. * You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. * You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. * You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. * Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. * You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. * People get dizzy just watching you. * You've worn the finish off your coffee table. * The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. * Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. * Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. * You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. * People can test their batteries in your ears. * Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. * Instant coffee takes too long. * You channel surf faster without a remote. * When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." * You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. * You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. * Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. * You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. * You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. * You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." * You get drunk just so you can sober up. * You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson. * Your Thermos is on wheels. * Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. * You can outlast the Energizer bunny. * You short out motion detectors. * You have a conniption over spilled milk. * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. * Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. * You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. * You don't tan, you roast. * You don't get mad, you get steamed. * Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. * Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. * You can't even remember your second cup. * You help your dog chase its tail. * You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. * Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. * You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. * You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." * Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.