The Universe According To Dilbert By Scott Adams --------------------------------------------------------------------- *Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you. *You are without romance or mirth... You must be an engineer. *The status of a temp is somewhere between that of a security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator. *I used to feel guilty about smashing bugs until I realized it's a sport. *And in the news... Body parts were strewn for miles... Check your sandwich. *Our company does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, age, or religion... unless the religions are bizarre and unpopular and can be considered cults (and so may be freely discriminated against), or you are a short, fat, bald, ugly guy (and can be picked on without restraint), or are a nerd, smoker, or single person. Stupid people may now also be discriminated against due to the failure of their lobbying efforts. *I used to be clueless but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees. *Trying to attain vast power and world domination again?! Bad dog! Bad dog! *There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft. *All your problems are caused by invisible people. To eliminate your problems, all you need to do is find them and kill them. *Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And there will be a special name for them: secretaries. *In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway. *Running feels awful, but it will let you live longer... So, life will feel awful, but at least it will last longer. *Before you defeat the competition, you must first subjugate the other departments. *It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better to do with their lives. *Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this a convenient time for you? No? OK, we'll call back later. *If you have everything, gloat. When that gets boring, start your own line of perfumes. *If you touch any key, our software will lock up. Call us and we'll blame it on Microsoft. *Always put off dealing with time-wasting morons. If you would like to know how... I'll get back to you on that. *There's more to science than just hurting small animals, but it's the part that's the most fun. *What do you call a dog that's been run over by a steamroller? Spot. *Knowledge is power... But power corrupts... And corruption is a crime... And crime doesn't pay... So if you keep on studying you'll go broke! *Nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses, which is why stupid people have big mouths. *Time slows down as you approach the speed of light... But time flies when you're having fun... So if you walk slower, do you have more fun or do you just get more light? *It is said that man's ability to reason that separates him from mere animals, but then again the animal kingdom has no equivalent to "championship wrestling." *One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead. *If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record. *Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think. *Used car salesmen are not in it for the money. They just like lying to strangers. *To become one with your computer is to reach a state of... nerdvana. *When virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, humanity is doomed.